Appropriate Chit Chat

Today was a some what wonderful day. With the sun shining, and the heat steadily rising I woke from my slumber this morning WITHOUT an alarm. With a smile on my face I stretched out my limbs with the line: "Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty I'm free at last" ringing through my head. Yes, I am free. Until next year that is anyway, but for nowlet me bask in the glory that is...

Summer Holidays.

Huzzah!!!

Time has certainly flown this year. Last years summer only feels as if it happened only yesterday! But as years do, the new one has come and is on its way out, and lo and behold, Summer is here yet again. So, I had a day off today, Haylee had a day off today...BEACH!!!!!!!!!!

Giddy with excitement, I started hunting for my bathers, boardies and my summer bag. I was definately reminded of the old times when I realized that I hadn't unpacked my summer bag from last summer. I found a water damaged and sand encrusted deck of Winnie the Pooh Uno cards I got as a Christmas present from Kirby. I found a full bottle of sunscreen though. SCORE! Summer for me is defined by three items: Sunscreen, Tanning Oil and After Sun Cream. Have those three on you at all times, and your set for the next 3 months. There's nothing more you could possibly need...except maybe a cider and some fish and chips, but that's a given.

Haylee and I were so excited about the seaside. The first beach day is always the most awkward though. The crowd that had gathered there were tanned, buffed, and beautiful. Not that I'm particularly insecure about myself, I see my purpose on the beach as one which adds diversity to the crowd, but when you're pale and pasty and have a lot of browning to do, you do feel like a bit of an amature amongst the bronzers.

The water was cold, but oh so good. Haylee and I were in bliss, paddling in the water, looking at all the people on the beach, then paddling in the water some more. Oh what fun we were having. During this time of happiness, an elderly gentleman was walking along the beach and decided to plant himself nearby our towels. After a while he started to get ready to go into the water. It became apparent that the gentleman in question did not bring his bathers with him, and decided to just go about the day in his jocks. After the obligatory chuckle (as young ladies tend to do at these sorts of matters), I thought: Ah, fair enough, more power to him. And we continued to enjoy our day.

The gentleman then entered the water, made his way towards us, and started to have a chat. It was innocent at first, these things usually are, and despite the fact that this guy was just in his jocks, we didn't want to be rude.

HIM: Beautiful day to be at the beach hey?

US: Hell yeah.

HIM: You have a day off?

US: Hell yeah.

Awkward pause

HIM: Water's nice.

US: Hell yeah it's nice.

HIM: Yeah, I went to the beach yesterday in Frankston.

US: Oh yeah.

HIM: Yeah. It was a nice hot day and I thought I'd go off to the beach after work.

US: Cool.

HIM: But there were so many people there.

US: Oh.

HIM: So I went looking for another beach. I found one which wasn't too far away from Frankston. It was called Sunnyside Beach. Have you ever heard of it?

US: No.

HIM: It's a lovely beach. Water was really nice and warm.

US: Cool.

HIM: It's a nudist beach.

Scilence

HIM: Yeah, one of the few legal ones here. There's a sign there and everything.

Silence

HIM: Yeah, a lot of people go down there. But usually only people in the 30-60 range. I'm 50 myself.

US: Ok.

HIM: Yeah, not many girls your age seem to want to go down there. And it's a shame because you're of the age where your bodies are in the best shape, and you don't show it off! It would be something nice to look at.

Silence

HIM: Yeah, well, you should think about heading down there sometime. It's not far from Frankston at all, and it would be a lot of fun.

Silence

HIM: Well, I'll be going. I shouldn't really be swimming because of my ear infection. Bye girls.

Silence

Seriously? Seriously.

Good day though.

Cooks and Chefs...

Currently housebound and with nowhere to go, the only thing keeping me entertained and somewhat sane is doing my work in front of ye olde telly.

The amount of lifestyle shows is astounding. Decoration, design, gardening and cooking galour in the afternoons. With the introduction of the new freeview channel 72 (aka 7 two "yes its time") there is more style to your life than you've bargained for.

Along with the Jay Leno show you can now watch the The Martha Stewart Show, where she interviews celebrities and cooks at the same time. I shit you not. The other day, Usher was on there rolling pastry dough, and talking about the anticipated arrival of his new born baby, and also his new CD. Amazing. What will they think of next?

The sudden rise in lifestyle shows, in my opinion, is more of a curse than it is a blessing. Whilst I am a proud connoisseur of food and wine, and I do boast a wonderful ability to produce the finest of meals and baked goods, I do realize that what I offer to the world of culinary cuisine is not as extraordinary as I believe it to be.

Masterchef, The Great Aussie Cookoff, and Ready Steady Cook has bought recipes and the art of cooking outside the realms of intimidation and has filled the general public with confidence in their ability to boil a pot of water and experiment with such things like 'fruits' and 'vegetables'.

A few months ago, A Current Affair ran a young Masterchef competition where children under the age of 15 showed off their skills in the kitchen. These kids were amazing, poaching eggs, roasting roasts and stirring...fry's...fries...stirfry's...stirfries....stir---oh you know what I mean. Point is, when I was 10, two minute noodles was what I considered cooking, and the triumph for me was not burning the toast in the morning. Home cooking has certainly excelled and more people are getting involved at an earlier age. No doubt there's a positive correlation between this and the increase in cooking shows and lifestyle programs.

Enter the curse. Tamasin Day Lewis. Best known for being the sister of Daniel Day Lewis, Tamasin is also a food writer, T.V. producer and director...she also likes to cook. Good for her. She also has her own show. Good for whom? Not for me.

Just because you're a food writer and know the difference between white and red meat does not make you a cook or chef by any means. It also doesn't give you the licence to create a show based around you cooking for any old occasion. That's clearly territory taken up by Jamie Oliver, who despite his naff charm and 'lovely jublies', can actually cook.

Inviting your mates around and firing off names of several dried spices whilst they answer "ooo", "aaah" and "delish" IS NOT WORTH FILMING. Also, using a hand held digital camera doesn't really help.

For some reason, in the middle of this particular episode I happened upon, Tamasin and her side kick friend, who she had come around to "help", stopped cooking to go out into the garden to eat a snow pea, and then run back inside because it started to rain...what the hell was the point of that?

The trip to the fish mongers was equally as awkward to watch, as she saunters in, demands that the fish monger tell her what's good to eat, then interrupts before he has a chance to answer because she wants to look at a crab. Rabbiting on and on about how she has five or six, possibly more, people to feed at her amazing dinner party she settles on a few pieces of cod.

After having made 100 biscuits, chicken liver for entree and baked cod for main, only two people show up to her dinner party and then call her food "creamy rubber."

Well done Tamasin.

And well done mum, who has managed to burn potatoes. Hmmm, I must excuse myself, but in the meantime, acquaint yourselves with someone who can cook without being useless or irritating. www.insanitytheory.net/kitchenwench