Filling out my diary

Yesterday I received Christmas gifts from my cousin in Germany. This is what fills me with guilt every year. Not the fact that I choose drink over Midnight Mass, or that I forego the donation to the Salvation Army in order to buy myself a cup of coffee instead. It's the fact that every year, without fail, my cousin sends us Christmas gifts, even though they may come after Christmas, and every year I just plain forget about her.

If I am to make one New Years Resolution this coming 2010, its to make a concerted effort to be better to my favourite cousin and let her know just how appreciated and loved she is by us all. Because really, I can be such a thoughtless shit.

What doesn't help the case is that my cousin never fails to give great presents. This year, she bought me a beautiful purple silk shawl/scarf (which I cannot wait to show off next winter), a lip gloss in a pink disco ball container, and a 2010 diary.

And what a diary this is.

A small black diary, where each week runs across two pages. I open the cover to find a small message: In case of loss, please return to:_(obviously my address would go here)_____

And then: As a reward $:________.

Really! I had never seen anything like this in a diary before. Bizarre. As for the value, I wouldn't know what to put in it. I mean, the year hasn't even started yet, so should I lose this diary, then the value would be nothing. This is purely based on a functional level, the diary immediately has sentimental value attached the moment it was in my hands, but you can't really put a price on sentimental value, and if you did, then the there's really nothing of sentiment in it at all.

But if we base this on a purely functional value, then that value would certainly change through out the year. When the new year starts, perhaps the value would be $1.00, as it is the height of summer, and there's really nothing filling my days excepted going to the beach or escaping the heat by sitting in air- conditioned comfort and reading. This value may stick for about 3 months, until March hit, and uni starts again. But until the important dates of assessments, group presentations, and internship reports are given to me, the value could be anywhere from $20- 30...and even then that may be an over statement, because I might not rely heavily on my diary until mid year, when I really need to take note of all due dates, and figure out how to balance the sudden work load. By that stage my dairy could value anywhere between $50- to possibly $100, depending on exactly when in the mid year I had lost my diary and how much trauma I would be in on account of me being without it.

Once the mid year craziness is over, however, the diary would then be of little consequence to me. I would be on holidays again and the value would depreciate back to the single dollar value until uni or another work commitment had started again, and I would be depending on this book to be a personal compass of sorts.

I don't think the makers at Moleskine thought this through when adding the reward option on the front cover. Perhaps I should print out the above thoughts and paste them in. That way it won't be awkward should I lose this diary, and the finder gives back to seeker.

Turning the page. Personal Data:

Name:

Surname:

home address:

telephone:

mobile:

email:

business address:

telephone fax ect:

family doctor...blood group..allergies......

vaccinations. Yes. Seriously. Vaccinations. Next to that there's a "valid until."

Identity card no...valid until....passport number...car plate...drivers licence.

They forgot to ask if I was micro-chipped and spade.

Flipping through the pages I come across a tiny bit of paper stuffed in a hidden compartment of the dairy. I thought, at first, it was some sort of warranty, which was invalid to me as the dairy would have been purchased in Germany and therefore no replacement could possibly be issued here should the dairy be damaged. Upon second look, I realized that this paper was not a warranty, but instead this little gem:

The History of a Legendary Notebook

"Moleskine is the heir of the legendary notebook used for the past two centuries by great artists and thinkers, including Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Ernest Hemmingway, and Bruce Chatwin. This trusty, pocket- sized travel companion held their sketches, notes, stories, and ideas before they became famous images or beloved books.

In his book "Songlines", Bruce Chatwin tell us the whole story of his favourite notebook, which he nicknamed 'Moleskine'. In 1986, the original manufacturer--a family operating in Tours-- closed down forever: "Le vari molekine n'est plus" are the lapidary words he puts into the mouth of the owner of the stationery shop in Rue de l'Ancienne Comedie--also a legendary spot-- where Chatwin stocked up on the notebooks. The English writer- traveller bought up all the "Moleskines" that he could find, but they were not enough.

In 1998, a small Milanese publisher brought the legendary notebook back to life under the name "Moleskine", thus restoring a sold tradition, renewing notebookism, and sensing that mobile technologies needed to be accompanied by essential self- standing analog tools.

As the reverent keeper of an extraordinary tradition, the legendary notebook once again began travelling the globe. Capturing reality on the move, preserving details, impressing the unique aspects of experience upon paper: Moleskine is a reservoir of ideas and feelings, a battery that stores discoveries and perceptions without depletion.

Today Moleskine is culture, travel, memory, imagination and personal identity, both analog and digital. It is a brand identifying a family of notebooks, journals, planner and guidebooks, with different functions, complying with a free mindstyle, both basic and emotional, and connected with the digital world through a huge network of websites, blogs, groups, virtual archives in the Internet.

The adventure of Moleskine continues to widen, and its still- blank pages will tell us the rest."

In short:

Here is the diary. Not long from receiving this we will all make the inevitable discovery. Same shit, different day.

Happy New Year.

Excuse me whilst I self- assess

My face hurts from laughing, my throat hurts from talking so much, and I'm sunburnt and a tad dehydrated due to a lack of care for myself whilst I frolicked in the sun. It doesn't matter for I was amongst old friends.

- Don't be gay Vee.

- Shut up, I'm thinking here.

What is the meaning of a friend?

When I was young, this confused me and I guess it still sometimes baffles me today. Currently, I find that the word friend has sometimes a varied definition, which is often open to interpretation and gets thrown around a lot in a way which is easy to take for granted. Like love, in a lot of ways.

I think of this as I'm coming down from the buzz of merriment I have experience from spending the entire day with a large group of people that I have not seen in years. People whom I have referred to as my friends, and will still continue to do so despite not having any regular form of contact with them. So what does it mean to be a friend?

Not meaning to blow smoke up my own arse here, but I have considered myself to be a good friend. I certainly try to be. I hold my friendships very close to my heart, as to me they are an important part of my life and, in a strange way, a small part of who I am. If my friends aren't right, I'm not right. This empathy may seem a bit strange, but I have always been acutely sensitive in that way, and I don't know if it will ever stop.

I mentioned that when I was younger, the understanding of what it meant to be a friend was somewhat skewed. In my youth, I found myself be-friended by two people who held onto me like a personal possession of theirs for a number of years. Two separate cases, but both contained the same behaviours and consequent outcomes. To these people, friendship was a different world all together. It came with a set of rules that must be followed. I was only to talk to certain people whom my friend approved of. I was to never go anywhere without my friend on weekends unless it was a family event and they strictly were not invited. If I were to talk to someone my friend did not approve of, I was to explain myself and make amends for it. Needless to say, these were intense experiences, which gave me a rather warped perception of friendship.

Being a rather solitary person by nature, I never really mind being alone, but I also don't mind the company of others. Throughout time, I have come to rather enjoy being around friends and the laughter and experiences that I have shared with people who have come and gone through out my life. I also have managed to establish a second family of sorts with my best friends from high school, whom I don't see enough of, but always keep in touch with. Additionally, in recent years, I have developed a new found appreciation for my friends, as I've come to realize just how much I rely on so many of them, and how much of an effect they have had on me. Because of them, I know I will never be alone.

On a different level all together, we have MySpace and Facebook, which have stamped their own definition and meaning of what it is to be a friend.

MySpace and Facebook have been deemed as a "social" forum. Recently, a move on Facebook has been made urging us to "connect" with certain people that we have not 'messaged', 'commented', or 'written on their wall' for months on end. Currently, I have 351 friends on Facebook, and I mostly pester about 20- 30 of those friends with random messages and links to quirky websites that I happened upon whilst procrastinating from general living. That leaves hundreds of people who remain neglected. Their friendship is collecting dust in the world of Facebook, making me look like a down right turd. If I'm no Facebook friend to these people, what sort of real friend could I be? Sometimes a correlation is made when comments like "I'm just friends with them on Facebook, I really wouldn't talk to them in real life" crop up. Harsh, but true, and lets be honest with ourselves, we've all proclaimed it.

I look through my 351 friends. Could I possibly really be friends with them all? I mean, I went to high school with some of them, primary school with a small number of them, then there's uni, people I've met through social gatherings, and the random long lost child hood friend (Hi James)...I can't possibly divide myself this many ways, can I? The answer: Of course I can't. Are you nuts!?

"Friend" is a term which is indeed open to interpretation, it's just all dependant on your circumstance I suppose. As we've seen, we have best friends, party friends, school friends, work friends, and even child hood friends. All people we have met in different circumstances, some which could not be helped, and some which were sheer twists of fate. I cannot possibly be the same friend to one person as I am to the other, but I can hold them in the same regard as each other in that they are special to me for whatever the reason. Some make me laugh in ways which no one can, others can understand me without me having to explain anything to them, and some know my deepest and darkest secrets that they will carry to their graves. There are also those whom I share no common interest with whatsoever but for the memories that we share for the brief amount of time we spent together. Memories which I think of from time to time and smile or laugh out loud at the thought of them. And no matter how much time passes, that regard will always stay the same. I'm reminded of this every time I see a long lost friend, or in this case, a group of them.

So thanks for a great day guys, it was a blast. Lets try and not leave so long next time, but if we do, I look forward to the next time I get to see you.

Top 10 Films of the Future

Well, actually, what I'm writing about here are the Top 10 films I would love to see made, but will be too afraid to see them because of the possibility of disappointment.

Over this past decade we have seen an influx of films being made which have been inspired, based upon or adapted from childhood super heroes, television series and beloved stories and novels.

Both generation X and Y have been in a flurry of excitement upon the news that the Transformers, and Alvin and the Chipmunks were coming back to us, reverting us all back to our 7 year old selves as we remembered how hard we hit the pavement to run home from school to watch our favourite shows.

I was more excited for Alvin than I was about the Transformers. I friggin loved that show. The movie was bad, but...so good! You know, in that weird way.

Most recently there's so much anticipation over The Fantastic Mr. Fox, a book which I have never read but will be nonetheless eager to see. I had never been exposed the Where The Wild Things Are as a child, but I very much enjoyed the film, so I hope that Mr. Fox will be just as agreeable.

Indeed there have been so many movies which I have loved. However, there have been many which have severely disappointed and some which I have down right refused to see.

Twilight for instance (yes, I am one of those) was one which I was furious with, and although I went to see it 6 times, and have the DVD and the soundtrack, I still think it one of the worst films ever made, and one of the worst novel adaptations.

Speaking of which, My Sister's Keeper is a film which I refuse to see after hearing the changes they had made to the story. Changing the ages of the siblings, who are the central characters to the story, in order to accommodate for Cameron fucken Diaz was one which I was willing to overlook, but then to hear that they had changed the ending! The ending which, as a friend so eloquently put it, "makes the story". An ending which haunted me for weeks after I had read it. Abominable. A plague I say. A plague upon that studio. A plague. Indeed.

But with all these stories which have been told, there are many which still remain untold. This following list is some what of a fantasy list. These are the films I would love to see made...but am really scared that the wrong people will make them.

10. The BFG

I friggin love Roald Dahl. My childhood is defined by many TV shows and authors and Roald Dahl is indeed one of them. Matilda was the first book I had read in one sitting, and straight after that one came The BFG. I loved it. It was magic and its one of the few of Dahl classics which have not yet been made into a film. Which is a shame. Someone get Peter Jackson on the phone and find a quirky looking British orphan and make it happen. Just stick to the book and don't add anything to it. And whatever you do, don't involve Stephen Spielberg or George Lucas otherwise we could possibly have another bizarre experience ala Indiana Jones IV. *shudder*

9. The Enchanted Wood, The Magic Faraway Tree, The Folk of the Faraway Tree

If The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe was made, why oh why did no one think to start producing this Enid Blyton series? Maybe its because of cousins Dick and Fanny...or perhaps the Golliwogs are enough to put people off, but I have been told that Dick and Fanny have been changed to 'Rick and Franny', and Golliwogs are now 'Gollies'. But when you're a child you don't have any concept of what it is to be politically correct. All you know from reading this is that 3 kids moved from city to country and made friends with strange folks who live in a giant tree. A tree that has a ladder at the top that leads to a portal to magic lands that come and go as they please. Oh! Give me more!!!! Why is this not a film!!!!!

I want to see Moonface and the slippery dip. I want to watch the people duck Mrs. Wash-a-lot's dirty washing water as she pours it down the tree. I want to see grumpy Mr. Watsizname and how he be-friends The Saucepan Man. And I want to see Silky make her pop biscuits. I want to get excited watching them climb the ladder and see what land they enter and how long they have there before the land moves away from the tree. I want to see night parties in the Enchanted Forest with the faeries and goblins and gnomes. I want to hear the talking trees.

But perhaps these things are best left in your imagination. And knowing our luck, some studio will probably make The Wishing Chair before they make The Enchanted Wood. Incidentally, as much as I love Enid Blyton, I can not give her props on some of the sequel titles she came up with. I speak of the sequel to The Wishing Chair...The Wishing Chair Again. Lame. But that's another rant entirely. However, whilst on the topic of Enid Blyton, I would love to see The Naughtiest Girl in the School made into a television series. I think that would be charming.

8. The Jetsons

If they could make The Flinstones (twice), Scooby Doo (twice) and Josie and the Pussycats, surely, but surely, they would have the foresight to make The Jetsons.

I always thought The Jetsons to be the more superior Hana Barbera cartoon back in the day, which tackled the issues of man enslaving fellow man in the name of corporate America. In this case, corporate America takes over space. Spacely Sprockets CEO Mr. Spacely (played by Danny Devito) enslaves George Jetson (William H. Macy) to do his bidding. George meanwhile is in emotional turmoil as he tries to balance commitments between work and family (his ever loving wife, Jane, played by Diane Lane, and kids Judy and Elroy...remain uncast. Perhaps Amanda Bines for Judy? I don't know). Obviously there still needs to be a little more storyboarding, but I think this is a film which is possible and has potential.

7. Captain Planet.

EARTH, FIRE, WIND, WATER, HEART

- Heart?

- Yes Heart.

- What does Heart do?

- It...um..it...shut up. All I know is, is that when all those powers combine Captain Planet comes, and he doesn't come without heart and we need heart. So shut the hell up.

But think about it. Global warming, Environmental Activist rioting--if there was ever a time we needed Captain Planet most, it's now.

6. 'One Day' (title to be worked on)

This one is a fantasy of mine, but I've always thought there should be a film made about the introduction of the One Day International series. Because that would be awesome. Think of the soundtrack people! I'd also like to see 'Gold: The Steven Bradbury Story'. Spandau Ballet would make that soundtrack. ;-)

5. Elizabeth and Mary

Based on the historical accounts on their relationship as detailed by Jane Dunn in the book of the same title. The film would be about the relationship between Mary Queen of Scots and Elizabeth I. But I'm a sucker for medieval history so that could be just me who wants this film to be made. But it would be brilliant if made. I promise.

4. The life and times of Christopher Marlowe.

Tim Burton directs it. Johnny Depp is in it. Wicked. Just so friggin wicked.

3. The Obernewtyn Chronicles

Terry Gilliam. If these Chronicles were to be ever made, he would be the one to do it. He was actually going to make Mervyn Pyke's Gormenghast from the Gormenghast Trilogy but gave up because it seemed too ambitious. I would still like to see Gilliam make that film, but I think he needs to warm up with The Obernewtyn Chronicles. Only Gilliam can do it. Trust me.

2. Montana 1948

This was my favourite book to read in high school. I read it five times over. It's brilliant. I love it. If you haven't read this book, do it. It's got everything you could ever want in it, and if made right, the movie would be just as awesome.

1. It's a tie....

I know it's unfair, and not really traditional of a top 10 list, but its my list and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.

So at number one, we have a tie between:

Mark Haddon's The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time. A story told through the eyes of a 15 year old autistic boy with a photographic memory.

and Jostein Gaarder's The Solitare Mystery. The story of a young boy who discovers philosophy with a magnifying glass he was given by a mysterious man, and a small book he found in a sticky bun.

Tell me you would not see these films if I could make them for you. My future top 10.

What's yours?

There's paper in my Advocat

Here I am trying to think of a witty title for this here blog post and all I can do is write the first thing in my head.

However, there is indeed a little bit of paper in my advocat. I don't know how it got there, but its there. And it's a shame because it is home made advocat, and its made by my mother, and she's AMAZING at making things, especially things involving alcohol. I am drinking advocat...I am consequently drunk. A little. I can still write, so that's a plus.

But you must excuse me....

while I pick out this paper in my advocat.

Mmmmm. Goopy. Well, one of the quaint charms of consuming something home made, is although it may taste AMAZING, and go down an absolute treat, it does come with its unique flaws. In the case of this advocat, it is a little bit on the thick side, so what I am consuming is not so much an alcoholic beverage, but more a custard with a bit of a kick that I refuse to eat with a spoon.

I like this advocat all the same.

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you are enjoying the festive season in a safe and respectable manner. I sure am. Cheers to us all!

I've also just enjoyed the biggest Christmas dinner and desert known to man. Following Polish tradition as best we can (my family being Polish, obviously) Christmas Eve is the big deal as opposed to Christmas Day, so all the work goes into this evening. We also get to open our presents on Christmas Eve too. I love it.

Usually, we spend the entire day preparing Christmas dinner, however I had to leave my mum and sister to do all domestic duties as I had to work. Work was quite enjoyable though, so no complaints there.

For the past week, I have been bombarded with an array of Christmas albums both past and present. When it comes to Christmas albums, there's two things--

First point of call: When thinking of making a Christmas album, start by changing your mind. Don't fucking do it. There's too many on the market out there, and if your not Judy Garland, Bing Crosby or Nat King Cole, you just shouldn't bother.

Second point: If you have ignored the first point of call, take your left hand, curl it into a fist and punch yourself in the face. If you happen to be Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey, Michael Bolton or Adrie Rieu please replace fist with plank of wood littered with rusty nails, but still apply same pressure to face.

Seriously. Enough with the vocal areobics. I'm getting a headache, and you're disturbing my time with my advocat. Speaking of which...I am getting a bit drowsy and fear that I soon will begin to make no sense.

That's Ka-Blamo.

Anyway, I received Adrian Mole: The Prostrate Years. Who here has grown up with The Adrian Mole Diaries? Joy to the world indeed.

Good night everyone. Stay safe, stay happy, and be well. Merry Christmas.

And God Bless Us, Everyone.

Get out of here Tiny Tim.

What's my age again?

Scene: Bookshop

Cast: Me
Shop Assistant

Time: Present

I (who is me) waltz on into the bookshop looking to finally finish my Christmas shopping in the hopes that I (again, me) will actually get to sleep tonight. After half an hour of neck bending book spine browsing, I (me...of fuck it you get the point) finally make my selection and wander on over to the cash register where I meet a sprite young shop assistant waiting to assess the damage these purchases are going to take on my wallet.

ME: Hi how are you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: I'm fine thanks, how are you?

ME: I'm excellent thank you, just these if I could, please.

I hand her the books

SHOP ASSISTANT: Excellent you say? Now that's a word you don't hear all too often. At least when people describe themselves that is.

ME: Yes, indeed.

SHOP ASSISTANT: It such a lovely word too. Makes me smile. When you just told me you were excellent, I felt so much more happier!

ME: Oh, well, that's great!

SHOP ASSISTANT: Yes! Ha ha ha. That will be $82 something or other.

ME: Excellent, can I put that on savings?

SHOP ASSISTANT: Oh! You said it again!

ME: Oh, why yes I did!

Giggles ensue

ME: I suppose it's my favourite word on some sub- conscious level.

SHOP ASSISTANT: I quite like fabulous actually.

ME: That's a pretty good word to.

SHOP ASSISTANT: Oh yes fabulous darling.

ME: Like Patsy and Edina.

SHOP ASSISTANT: Who?

silence


ME: Patsy and Edina, from Ab Fab.

SHOP ASSISTANT: ....I....don't...know what that is.....

ME: Oh.

SHOP ASSISTANT: I'm 16.

ME: Oh

SHOP ASSISTANT: I was thinking more Kiera Knightly from The Duchess.

ME: I hate her. Thanks for my books. Have a good one.

End Scene

Appropriate Chit Chat

Today was a some what wonderful day. With the sun shining, and the heat steadily rising I woke from my slumber this morning WITHOUT an alarm. With a smile on my face I stretched out my limbs with the line: "Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty I'm free at last" ringing through my head. Yes, I am free. Until next year that is anyway, but for nowlet me bask in the glory that is...

Summer Holidays.

Huzzah!!!

Time has certainly flown this year. Last years summer only feels as if it happened only yesterday! But as years do, the new one has come and is on its way out, and lo and behold, Summer is here yet again. So, I had a day off today, Haylee had a day off today...BEACH!!!!!!!!!!

Giddy with excitement, I started hunting for my bathers, boardies and my summer bag. I was definately reminded of the old times when I realized that I hadn't unpacked my summer bag from last summer. I found a water damaged and sand encrusted deck of Winnie the Pooh Uno cards I got as a Christmas present from Kirby. I found a full bottle of sunscreen though. SCORE! Summer for me is defined by three items: Sunscreen, Tanning Oil and After Sun Cream. Have those three on you at all times, and your set for the next 3 months. There's nothing more you could possibly need...except maybe a cider and some fish and chips, but that's a given.

Haylee and I were so excited about the seaside. The first beach day is always the most awkward though. The crowd that had gathered there were tanned, buffed, and beautiful. Not that I'm particularly insecure about myself, I see my purpose on the beach as one which adds diversity to the crowd, but when you're pale and pasty and have a lot of browning to do, you do feel like a bit of an amature amongst the bronzers.

The water was cold, but oh so good. Haylee and I were in bliss, paddling in the water, looking at all the people on the beach, then paddling in the water some more. Oh what fun we were having. During this time of happiness, an elderly gentleman was walking along the beach and decided to plant himself nearby our towels. After a while he started to get ready to go into the water. It became apparent that the gentleman in question did not bring his bathers with him, and decided to just go about the day in his jocks. After the obligatory chuckle (as young ladies tend to do at these sorts of matters), I thought: Ah, fair enough, more power to him. And we continued to enjoy our day.

The gentleman then entered the water, made his way towards us, and started to have a chat. It was innocent at first, these things usually are, and despite the fact that this guy was just in his jocks, we didn't want to be rude.

HIM: Beautiful day to be at the beach hey?

US: Hell yeah.

HIM: You have a day off?

US: Hell yeah.

Awkward pause

HIM: Water's nice.

US: Hell yeah it's nice.

HIM: Yeah, I went to the beach yesterday in Frankston.

US: Oh yeah.

HIM: Yeah. It was a nice hot day and I thought I'd go off to the beach after work.

US: Cool.

HIM: But there were so many people there.

US: Oh.

HIM: So I went looking for another beach. I found one which wasn't too far away from Frankston. It was called Sunnyside Beach. Have you ever heard of it?

US: No.

HIM: It's a lovely beach. Water was really nice and warm.

US: Cool.

HIM: It's a nudist beach.

Scilence

HIM: Yeah, one of the few legal ones here. There's a sign there and everything.

Silence

HIM: Yeah, a lot of people go down there. But usually only people in the 30-60 range. I'm 50 myself.

US: Ok.

HIM: Yeah, not many girls your age seem to want to go down there. And it's a shame because you're of the age where your bodies are in the best shape, and you don't show it off! It would be something nice to look at.

Silence

HIM: Yeah, well, you should think about heading down there sometime. It's not far from Frankston at all, and it would be a lot of fun.

Silence

HIM: Well, I'll be going. I shouldn't really be swimming because of my ear infection. Bye girls.

Silence

Seriously? Seriously.

Good day though.

Cooks and Chefs...

Currently housebound and with nowhere to go, the only thing keeping me entertained and somewhat sane is doing my work in front of ye olde telly.

The amount of lifestyle shows is astounding. Decoration, design, gardening and cooking galour in the afternoons. With the introduction of the new freeview channel 72 (aka 7 two "yes its time") there is more style to your life than you've bargained for.

Along with the Jay Leno show you can now watch the The Martha Stewart Show, where she interviews celebrities and cooks at the same time. I shit you not. The other day, Usher was on there rolling pastry dough, and talking about the anticipated arrival of his new born baby, and also his new CD. Amazing. What will they think of next?

The sudden rise in lifestyle shows, in my opinion, is more of a curse than it is a blessing. Whilst I am a proud connoisseur of food and wine, and I do boast a wonderful ability to produce the finest of meals and baked goods, I do realize that what I offer to the world of culinary cuisine is not as extraordinary as I believe it to be.

Masterchef, The Great Aussie Cookoff, and Ready Steady Cook has bought recipes and the art of cooking outside the realms of intimidation and has filled the general public with confidence in their ability to boil a pot of water and experiment with such things like 'fruits' and 'vegetables'.

A few months ago, A Current Affair ran a young Masterchef competition where children under the age of 15 showed off their skills in the kitchen. These kids were amazing, poaching eggs, roasting roasts and stirring...fry's...fries...stirfry's...stirfries....stir---oh you know what I mean. Point is, when I was 10, two minute noodles was what I considered cooking, and the triumph for me was not burning the toast in the morning. Home cooking has certainly excelled and more people are getting involved at an earlier age. No doubt there's a positive correlation between this and the increase in cooking shows and lifestyle programs.

Enter the curse. Tamasin Day Lewis. Best known for being the sister of Daniel Day Lewis, Tamasin is also a food writer, T.V. producer and director...she also likes to cook. Good for her. She also has her own show. Good for whom? Not for me.

Just because you're a food writer and know the difference between white and red meat does not make you a cook or chef by any means. It also doesn't give you the licence to create a show based around you cooking for any old occasion. That's clearly territory taken up by Jamie Oliver, who despite his naff charm and 'lovely jublies', can actually cook.

Inviting your mates around and firing off names of several dried spices whilst they answer "ooo", "aaah" and "delish" IS NOT WORTH FILMING. Also, using a hand held digital camera doesn't really help.

For some reason, in the middle of this particular episode I happened upon, Tamasin and her side kick friend, who she had come around to "help", stopped cooking to go out into the garden to eat a snow pea, and then run back inside because it started to rain...what the hell was the point of that?

The trip to the fish mongers was equally as awkward to watch, as she saunters in, demands that the fish monger tell her what's good to eat, then interrupts before he has a chance to answer because she wants to look at a crab. Rabbiting on and on about how she has five or six, possibly more, people to feed at her amazing dinner party she settles on a few pieces of cod.

After having made 100 biscuits, chicken liver for entree and baked cod for main, only two people show up to her dinner party and then call her food "creamy rubber."

Well done Tamasin.

And well done mum, who has managed to burn potatoes. Hmmm, I must excuse myself, but in the meantime, acquaint yourselves with someone who can cook without being useless or irritating. www.insanitytheory.net/kitchenwench