My Time with Brother John

On this wonderfully grey, overcast, windy day my sister and I set out to meet my dad for lunch. He would like to take us out on account of it having been my birthday. Usually, this is a pretty standard event. Having been a stickler for order all his life dad likes nothing more than going to the same restraurant on Lygon St. and ordering the steak, with tiramisu for dessert and tia maria to go with it.

Recently though, dad's been going for some major changes. Call it midlife crisis, or putting some spice in your life, dad is looking to try something new. Usually it's a bit hit and miss...like Brother John's.

We begin our cullinary journey in Sassafras, home of Miss Marple's Tea Room, Tea Leaf and The Sassafras Oracle. Lovely day out...if the sun is out to join you. Needless to say, if it's cold and grey in your neighbourhood, it's colder in the mountains.

Brother John's sits on top of a hill. As you drive towards it, signs with blairing red font scream at you: SOUP WE HAVE SOUP!!! SCONES WE HAVE SCONES!!! CARPARK WE HAVE A CARPARK!!!

How delightful.

Upon finding the

ENTRANCE WE HAVE AN ENTRANCE sign, you head towards the door and are faced with a small white chapel, ready to be booked, by you. How do I know this? Well, I saw the sign.

Before I could read on about bookings for weddings, an lovely ederly gentleman greets us. Looking rather frail and barely able to walk he shows to our table...outside. Yes, it seems that everyone is to be seated outside for lunch today. Don't worry, we were shielded from the wind and cold by plastic sheets.

I was more worried for the gentleman who was showing us to our table, I felt as if he should be sitting down and I should be bringing him the cup of tea. Despite his frail appearance, he was extremely happy-go-lucky, striking up conversation and giving me a random cuddle as I sat down. Whilst embracing me, he went on to show me the special board and what was what in the menu. I wasn't quite sure what to make of that, or the menu.

Brother John's prides itself on its soups and scones. Everything else...hmmm. The Parma was below average, the salad was made the day before, and there was this thing in a little bowl that came with it. I don't know what it was, and I don't know why I was given it. Upon first glance it looks like a smashed up boiled egg. Putting it to the nose it does not smell of egg. Poking it, it wobbles. Feeling brave, I place a little on my fork and pop it in my mouth. There's cream, coconut, peach and pineapple. I've never had anything like it before. Dad looked at it and ate it. He doesn't like wasting money you see. The words that came out of his mouth were 'Peach Melba.' Good people of Melbourne, please let me know: what is a Peach Melba and is it supposed to look like that? What was stranger than recieving what ever that was on my plate was the background music playing at Brother John's. There is no real triumph in eating your chicken parma to the tune of the Paso Doble.

Dessert was just as gross, and really it was enough to put you in a foul mood. Until I turned around and saw a giant Andre Rieu poster staring me in the face. Next to that a giant homemade banner: "Andre Rieu brings JOY TO THE WORLD".

I have seen and heard enough.

Promptly after discovering this banner I took a photo of it and sent it to Haylee, Dave and Mel. Haylee sent a message back which rang very true:

"Only YOU would end up in a place like that."

Indeed.

More often than not I do seem to find myself in places and situations that look like they've been torn from the pages of an American sitcom. Why this happens I do not know. I'm a big believer in everything happening for a reason though, and if there is one reason I can find within this strange and bizarre experience it is to tell you, don't go to Brother John's--unless it is a practical joke.