God Bless the Lilydale/Belgrave line

This is a conversation I overheard between two boys whilst travelling home on the train. The boys were young, around 17/18...but they were still shocking.

BOY 1: You going to the party on Saturday?

BOY 2: Yeah.

BOY 1: You know who you're going to get with yet?

BOY 2: Yeah, but---well, here's my problem. Ever since I've stopped drinking, I realize that it's really impacted my confidence, and so it's sort of made getting with girls harder, I don't know why.

BOY 1: Oh. So....what are you going to do?

BOY 2: Well, there is this girl that I want to get with, so what I thought I would do is get with one of her friends who I know wants to be with me, you know, so I can get my confidence up, and then get with the other girl.

BOY 1: That's a good idea man. Just make sure they don't find out about each other, because you know what happened last time.

BOY 2: Yeah, I hate when that happens.

BOY 1: I hate when you tell them you love them, and they take you seriously.

BOY 2: I know, you have to watch out for that, that's why I don't drink anymore.

BOY 1: Yeah, but I love getting wasted.

BOY 2: Yeah, it's fun.



BOY 2: Do you know, one time, I got with two girls at this party, and totally forgot who they were in the middle of the party?

BOY 1: Really?

BOY 2: Yeah, I was pretty wasted.

BOY 1: What did you do?

BOY 2: Well, there was nothing I really could do. I forgot who they were, but I remember what one of their arse's smelt like.

BOY 1: Oh, that's like Cinderella.

BOY 2: Yeah, pretty funny.

BOY 1: Yeah.

Warning Warning, Adult Content:

I don't know what it is, but something in my sub-conscious just will not allow me to have a decent sex dream.

It's terrible. And suprisingly it's actually even more frustrating than not having dencent sex (if any at all these days) in reality.

What I would give for a decent, satisfying, mind blowing sex dream you have no idea. I hear my friends talk of their erotic adventures in the land of nod and I'm green with envy.

Why can't I have sex with a celebrity!? Hello! JOHN CUSACK WHERE ARE YOU?

Ugh.

My sex dreams, since I first started having them, are either very disturbing or extremely disappointing. Sometimes, I wake up just as I'm about to climax, or out nowhere, the guy grows a lizard's tounge which is then jammed down my throat, suffocating me rather uncomfortably.

It's even more awkward when the dream involves people that I know.

I once made the mistake of telling people about a rather disturbing dream I had involving a very good friend, and I have since barely lived it down.

The dream involved me lying in bed when all of a sudden my friend appears beside me. What starts with an embrace turns into the most clumsy and sloppy kiss, followed by a dismal attempt at foreplay. It was all going rather horribly when, and as if the situation could not get any worse, my mother walks in on us with the profoundly important message that I must clean my room.

Last nights dream, however, had to have taken the cake.

I found myself in a passionate rumble amongst the sheets with a different friend. It was sloppy, messy, and not at all enjoyable. Fortunately, my friend turned out to be a 1 minute man. Unfortunately, he also turned out to be rather full of himself.

After the act of...whatever the hell that was, he then lay back hooting and hollering with pride:

"Woooo! Yeah! That was great! That was incredible! Oh yeah, I'm good! You liked that didn't you. Yeah!"

I'm stunned, and then shocked as I realize that in that short space of time, there wasn't even any thought given to the use of protection.

"Did you wear a condom?" I ask my friend.
"Pffft. No."
"Ok, I haven't been on the pill for a while, so..we have a problem."
"No, no, that's not my problem."

Sex dream? SEX NIGHTMARE!

The amount of research that surronds the phenomena of night terrors and how to overcome them is astounding, in factits still being discussed today. Yet after all this, there is barely anything exploring the makings of a functional sex dream!?

Can we please shed some light on the humble sex dream please!

As every woman deserves an orgasm, the basic right to a decent sex dream should be realized and, more importantly, accessible.

Lets make this a better world people!

Update Update Update

I, like many of you out there, have a facebook profile. This is both a blessing and a curse.

With the marvel of this social network, I've been able to connect with dear friends that have left the country to pursue their dreams, re-connect with long lost childhood friends, and also keep tabs on people I went to high school with (we know we're never going to see each other again, but we can't help but be nosy and poke through the photo's and information over what's going on in their lives.)

The curse here is knowing too much information. I know that this is a petty trivial gripe, but who really needs to be a fan of bonfires, Australia and a Southern Cross tatoo? What I also find hilarious, are that the people who are a fan of bonfires, are also a fan of the group 'The people who started the Black Saturday Fires should rot in hell.'

Sense?

Anyone?

No, I didn't think so.

I don't mind having these people in my life through a technological social medium, in fact think it's important to have some form of contact. We've shared a decent chunk of our lifes together, have some shared memories, and during times of nostalgia, it's important to have that connection. But many people take this in an often undesirable direction (see earlier post Out of the Blue)

One particular instance I'm alluding to here is of an attempted primary school reunion that didn't quite come to fruition. I, like many others out there, don't quite have the best primary shcool memories. I was quite often bullied, teased and taunted, and if I didn't get that treatment at school, then I certainly recieved similar treatment at home. I'm not in anyway suggesting that I begrudge these people; the past is in the past, what has happened has happened, and I believe that we have all moved on from those days and are completely different people. The point that I'm trying to make here is that although these events are merely memories of the past, they are still nonetheless rather painful, so when talk of a primary school reunion arose, you can see why I would have an 'Umm, Ahh' reaction. In the week leading up to this reunion I decided that I would go, however at the last minute, my car battery had died and I was stuck. The organizers insisted I come, but I had no money for a taxi and had no way of getting myself home, and I offered my apologies. Later that night, and well into the next day, a number of "the reunion was great, the people who didn't come suck" statuses flashed up on my screen.

The nerve of some people.

Again, this is a rather petty and trivial gripe, however to air one's grievances in such a way is no better, wouldn't you say? I know that this is rather rich coming from me, but it's quite obvious, from the title of this blog, that you know what you are in for, and that somewhere within the rant and rave someone out there is going to get a spray. I believe that to put up little tid bits of how big/small your ex's member was, or that a group of people "suck" for no apparent reason other than the fact that they could not make it to your drinks, is a completely different kettle of fish.

If I was to stoop to their level, my status would often read: "You've got kids! I KNOW! I see their goddamn pictures all over the internet. I DON'T FUCKING CARE!", "NO I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR SHOW FUCK OFF!", and "No one gives a shit about your fucking engagement, wedding or marriage, get fucked."

But I don't do that do I? Because, well, that would be hurtful.

Children, Children, Future, Future.

I really feel for the kids that are born and raised in the 21st Century. The political and economic climate doesn't exactly inspire confidence, the environment is in tatters, and education comes at such a high price that you begin to question its worth.

Much of what made being a kid fun in my day (tapping into my inner geriatric here) is no longer available to the present day rugrats. In particular, good quality cartoons.

Unless the child is lucky enough to belong to cable T.V suscribing family, their viewing choices are very limited.

As the years have gone by, major free-to-air television stations have come to neglect the needs of their youngest demographic. Although long standing children's hour as seen on ABC Kids are still running strong, the lack of choice is evident.

To be a child of the 90s meant that your parents were never to sleep. You would willingly rise at the crack of dawn to race to the living room, flipping through the television stations not sure of what to settle on. Along with ABC Kids, there was Agro's Cartoon Connection, and Cheeze T.V available for viewing, all with their own unique collection of quality cartoons: Batman, Spiderman, Sailor Moon, Scooby Doo (The Original Avendtures of Scooby Doo mind you), Babar, Tin Tin, Rugrats, X-Men, and oh so many more. It didn't stop there.

You painfully went through the school days only to tear home to choose between the afternoon programs. Warner Bros cartoons, both classic and new! Animaniacs, Looney Toons, Tiny Toons Adventures, as well as Ducktales, Hey Arnold, and ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE, just to name a few.

Let's not forget the game shows that you just dreamed to be a part of. Vidiot, Double Dare, and Amazing.

There were endless possibilities, laughter and most of all fun.

Saturday was your day, Saturday Disney followed by Disney movie marathons.

There was joy, and hope. It's tough being a kid, but at least there was someone in the land of television who could understand you and who knew what you needed. The adults may not listen to you, but at least Bugs Bunny did.

There's no joy like that for kids, no hope. Mornings are filled with Kochie and Mel, Karl and Whatsherface. All the cartoons have been taken away and dispered among the Cartoon Network, Disney Channel and Nickelodeon on Foxtel or Austar, and whatever is left on free to air is just like the salmon that John West has rejected. Retarded Tasteless Junk.

The Gameshows are juvenile, compered by uncharismatic hosts who are quite obviously uncomfortable with children, make it apparent that they don't want to be there, and really don't look the part.



I mean, please, a suit! Because I know when I was 10, and I saw a suit, geeze that spelt a whole lot of fun.

Kids need a forum, and an outlet. Somewhere to turn to where they feel free to be themselves aswell as express themselves. There has been debate upon debate upon debate upon debate over the what hinders our children as opposed to what nurtures them. Everything that is marketed towards them comes under attack, scrutiny and censorship, and whilst I'm sure that this is all done with the best of intentions I think in the present day and age it has all gone a tad too far.

Restrictions placed on toys, televsion, books, computer games and even outside play has left them with basically nothing. And you wonder why kids have attitude?

They deserve a better future, but right now, they also deserve some fun. It's their basic human right.

Morning Pain

If there's one thing that can make your morning worse, it's these fuckwits.



As if fighting to get myself up in the morning, and remembering to put the coffee back in the pantry and not in the fridge isn't hard enough to begin with, I turn on the television to find these two talking to "The GPS Girl". Yes. "The GPS Girl".

Who's the GPS girl I hear you ask? Well, she's apparently the owner of the voice giving you the directions you hear on your GPS unit.



Yeah! Amazing. Apparently, because she's Australian this merits 10 mins of media time.

Really, this is embarrasing. And the rest of the show goes pretty much downhill from there, where they take time out from the morning's news to discuss how they have wonderful lives and relationships and how they could only wish that the rest of Australia could be as blessed as them.

I know it seems like there's no choice but to put up with useless berks and crack addicted cartoons in the morning, but I'm here to tell you there is another way. There is another option. People of Australia, there is hope in morning television yet!



ABC Breakfast. 6-9am on ABC2. If you have a digital set top box, if you have built in digital on your television, than there is hope for you yet.

Switch to actually being INFORMED with USEFUL INFORMATION in the morning. Today, they covered the plight of the assylum seekers who were injured in the boat blast on Australian shores last week, they spoke to a professor (who's name escapes me at this moment) who wrote a counter active theory towards climate change and, as if things couldn't get any better, they provided news, sport and weather without yelling, and without any exaggerated sensationalism.

Oh god bless the ABC.

If you don't recieve digital channels...I shall pray for you.

No.







I'm sorry, no.









Yeah, look, you know what? Still no. Yes, it may seem like a good idea, but lets be real, this is not normal.

Will you honestly feel warm, snuggly and comfortable when you walk into a room filled with this?




No.

Out of the blue.

Nothing makes me more suspicious of people than them coming out of the blue and wanting to get in touch with you.

I don't understand why that happens.

This trend is more prevalent in women than it is in men.

I don't know how it works with most people out there, but the way I work is, if I stop talking to you, and I don't see as much of you as I used to, then there's probably a good reason for it. And it may not be just one reason, there could be a plethora of them.

It could be, that since graduating high school/primary school/university, we've all seem to have grown up, and moved on with our lives. People, just naturally tend to do that. As this happens, it means that the time we spend on ourselves takes away from time spent with others. Sometimes this is a bad thing, sometimes this is a good thing, and sometimes, people don't even seem to give it much thought.

It could be that over the years, interests and motivations differ and the friendship isn't what it once was.

Or it could be because one party really annoys the other and no one can really stand each other.

If there's one thing that gets my goat, it's these girls that I haven't heard from in over ten years coming out from obscurity wanting to either have dinner with me, invite me to their hens night, wedding or some bullshit reunion.

But what I would like to know is what's going through the mind of the girl who's calling me up in the first place?

"Hey V, let's have dinner, it's been ages."

That's the sort of line that I would expect from one of my best friends who I haven't seen in 3 weeks.

Instead, it's from someone I haven't seen in 15 years! I mean, help me out here. Am I the only who thinks that this is all a tad fucked up?

"Hey V, it's been a while, come to my wedding, I'd really like you there."

When I went to this particular girl's wedding, I fucking regretted being there the moment I set foot at the reception. It was the biggest pile of horseshit I could have stepped in. Everyone who was there had not spoken to this girl in 12 years, and nobody even knew the groom on the bride's side, nobody knew the bride on the groom's side.

And then the penny drops: "Shit, I'm here just to purely make up numbers."

As if that wasn't bad enough, I had to deal with this champagne buzzed bride asking me "Did you ever think I'd get married? Is David the sort of guy that you'd picture me marrying?"

Which lead me to reply: "To be honest, I haven't thought of you since highschool because I've been busy WITH MY OWN LIFE!"

I don't understand.

Someone out there please help me out!

If you're a person who is like this, please, enlighten me with your justification of this insesent pestering.

What do you honestly think we could possibly discuss over dinner!? What! WHAT!

Seriously, honestly and sincerely, I would love to know.

So, you know, I'm waiting.