Oh lord won't you buy me a colour T.V....and put something decent on it.

Whilst I am proud to be an Australian, I cannot say that I have been as proud of Australian T.V.

Over years gone by, there has been an apparent lack of original Australian drama and comedy being screened on commercial television. A failure to attract ratings against the American and British counterparts has left many commericial television sations seeking to invest their money internationally, rather than locally, leaving no room for new Australian content.

Much of what has been splayed on the screen have been Australian versions of American and British reality television shows that are sure to be a ratings winner. What has this left the consumer and avid viewer with? A lack of diversity.

Channel 10s line up has for the past 5 years consisted of American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, and the Biggest Loser in the summer, followed by Australian Idol, So You Think You Can Dance Australia and the Biggest Loser Australia in the winter months. Channel 7 and Channel 9 have the news and the odd gameshow as their Australian content fix in between the new episodes and re-runs of the same old American crime drama, with the ABC slowly, but surely, becoming the BBC in between showcasing great shows like Spicks and Specks and the Gruen Transfer.

Growing up, Australian television had a distinct identity. I mainly attriubute this to the Australian satirical and cynical sense of humour that we were once so well known for. In the late 80s and early 90s, there was no lack of creativity when in came to the humble sketch show. Fast Forward, Full Frontal, and The D Generation are just some of the shows that defined my young adulthood, as well as typified the Australian sense of humour and rebellion. Tounge in cheek shows such as Frontline, Good News Week, and The Panel where just a handful of the shows worth switching the box on for.

But somewhere down the line, something went wrong.

The phenomenon of reality television provided production companies a source of cheap entertainment. Tapping into the perverse voyerism embedded in the viewers human nature was a sure way of not only achieving high ratings, but also garuntee more bang for the television station's buck.

The Free Trade Agreement saw more and more American shows and concepts infiltrating our screens in more ways than ever before. Suddenly, the Australian market was in more competition, trying to assimilate to the more dominant industry than keeping true to what made their industry so unique and attractive in the first place.

Recently, there has been a shift, perhaps for the better, however I fear that this is for the worst.

The 51st Annual TV Week Logie Awards is a demonstrated example of this shift in Australian creativity. There has been a rise in Australian drama with the introduction of such shows as Packed to the Rafters, Bed of Roses, and the recent phenomenon to hit the screen, Underbelly. There was an apparent energy in the air. This Logies felt like none other. There was something to be proud by being there, and by watching it. The obligatory international guest talent, for the first time in a long time, were not the main focus of the night. The focus was on the quality of the original Australian content, that, also for the first time in a long time, did not soley come from Working Dog productions. Finally, the American 'Days of our Lives' "talent" where viewed as what they were meant to be; guests, and not the main event, and with the exception of Annie Lennox, the night was supremely ours.

Upon winning his Silver Logie for Most Outstanding Male Actor in a Television Series, Gyton Grantley expressed his positivity towards the Australian Televsion Instudry that seemed to have been shared by everyone in the room. "We make good stuff, and a show like this being watched by Australian's means that we like our stuff...let's make more of it."

Indeed! Anything which supports the production of new and original Australian creativity is a must. The Australian Arts have a lot to offer to this country, and to the world, and we should be nothing more than proud and eager to see more of it.

However, here is my reservation of how this is interpreted, and unfortunately this may look like a bit of a jab at Channel 9, however the example which I use here is one which we all can learn from.

With Underbelly has come Underbelly: A Tale of Two Cities, and then shortly after that Bob Trimbole: The real Underbelly.

Do you see where I'm going here?

This is where the problem is. It's not that there is a lack of Australian stories to be told, it's just that it's so damn hard to get it told when you don't seem to fit into the "successful formula of the day." Televsion production, along with a lot of other creative industries (however broad you may believe this term to be) has become incredibly lazy, and scared.

For the past decade, the methodology has been: find something that brings in the money, and capitalize on it until we bleed it dry.

Productions stick with the same formula until it no longer works, and whilst this prooves lucrative in the short term, it provides no long term stability for Australian television and performing arts. Indeed, what the industry has become is a factory of some sorts, pumping out the same thing over and over again in a bid to sell and survive, and no aforethought behind it.

Where's the future in that?

I'm not quite sure if there's a golden answer to this question, and I'm not sure if there ever will be. Someone wonderful once told me that if you do find the golden answer, you've probably made a mistake.

I suppose what I'm trying to raise awareness to here is that there is a lack of risk taking where the Television and Perfroming Arts industry is concerned. No one wants to take a chance on something new, everyone feels more secure in playing it safe.

If taking a risk is too much perharps start with baby steps and make an adaption to the formula. Lets continue with the Underbelly example here for a moment. If anything, Underbelly showed that not only did Australian audiences have a fascination with Australia's criminal underworld history, they were also taken in by the fact that this was all based on true events. What happened on the screen in front of them actually once took place. It's something that is very real to them, and in turn they find something in it which they individually can relate too.

Underbelly: A Tale of Two Cities was marketed as "the time Australia lost its innocence". This captured people's attention, and there was also a morbid fascination into the corruption of something pure.

If this is what makes a good Australian story, for now, perhaps we should tell yet another one? There are plenty. The Stolen Genertaion, the rise and fall of One Nation, the Bali 9, hell, I think we can make a mini series on the life and times of Paul Hogan or even Bob Hawke! And that's just for starters.

More can be said for the lack of quality in Australian comedy, but until someone convinces some top knotch exec that Shaun Micallef should have his own show yet again until the day he dies, we'll have to be tied over with Kath and Kim, Spicks and Specks and Thank God You Here.

But this is an exciting time in Australian Television indeed, it's just a matter of where it's taken to from here.

God Bless the Lilydale/Belgrave line

This is a conversation I overheard between two boys whilst travelling home on the train. The boys were young, around 17/18...but they were still shocking.

BOY 1: You going to the party on Saturday?

BOY 2: Yeah.

BOY 1: You know who you're going to get with yet?

BOY 2: Yeah, but---well, here's my problem. Ever since I've stopped drinking, I realize that it's really impacted my confidence, and so it's sort of made getting with girls harder, I don't know why.

BOY 1: Oh. So....what are you going to do?

BOY 2: Well, there is this girl that I want to get with, so what I thought I would do is get with one of her friends who I know wants to be with me, you know, so I can get my confidence up, and then get with the other girl.

BOY 1: That's a good idea man. Just make sure they don't find out about each other, because you know what happened last time.

BOY 2: Yeah, I hate when that happens.

BOY 1: I hate when you tell them you love them, and they take you seriously.

BOY 2: I know, you have to watch out for that, that's why I don't drink anymore.

BOY 1: Yeah, but I love getting wasted.

BOY 2: Yeah, it's fun.



BOY 2: Do you know, one time, I got with two girls at this party, and totally forgot who they were in the middle of the party?

BOY 1: Really?

BOY 2: Yeah, I was pretty wasted.

BOY 1: What did you do?

BOY 2: Well, there was nothing I really could do. I forgot who they were, but I remember what one of their arse's smelt like.

BOY 1: Oh, that's like Cinderella.

BOY 2: Yeah, pretty funny.

BOY 1: Yeah.

Warning Warning, Adult Content:

I don't know what it is, but something in my sub-conscious just will not allow me to have a decent sex dream.

It's terrible. And suprisingly it's actually even more frustrating than not having dencent sex (if any at all these days) in reality.

What I would give for a decent, satisfying, mind blowing sex dream you have no idea. I hear my friends talk of their erotic adventures in the land of nod and I'm green with envy.

Why can't I have sex with a celebrity!? Hello! JOHN CUSACK WHERE ARE YOU?

Ugh.

My sex dreams, since I first started having them, are either very disturbing or extremely disappointing. Sometimes, I wake up just as I'm about to climax, or out nowhere, the guy grows a lizard's tounge which is then jammed down my throat, suffocating me rather uncomfortably.

It's even more awkward when the dream involves people that I know.

I once made the mistake of telling people about a rather disturbing dream I had involving a very good friend, and I have since barely lived it down.

The dream involved me lying in bed when all of a sudden my friend appears beside me. What starts with an embrace turns into the most clumsy and sloppy kiss, followed by a dismal attempt at foreplay. It was all going rather horribly when, and as if the situation could not get any worse, my mother walks in on us with the profoundly important message that I must clean my room.

Last nights dream, however, had to have taken the cake.

I found myself in a passionate rumble amongst the sheets with a different friend. It was sloppy, messy, and not at all enjoyable. Fortunately, my friend turned out to be a 1 minute man. Unfortunately, he also turned out to be rather full of himself.

After the act of...whatever the hell that was, he then lay back hooting and hollering with pride:

"Woooo! Yeah! That was great! That was incredible! Oh yeah, I'm good! You liked that didn't you. Yeah!"

I'm stunned, and then shocked as I realize that in that short space of time, there wasn't even any thought given to the use of protection.

"Did you wear a condom?" I ask my friend.
"Pffft. No."
"Ok, I haven't been on the pill for a while, so..we have a problem."
"No, no, that's not my problem."

Sex dream? SEX NIGHTMARE!

The amount of research that surronds the phenomena of night terrors and how to overcome them is astounding, in factits still being discussed today. Yet after all this, there is barely anything exploring the makings of a functional sex dream!?

Can we please shed some light on the humble sex dream please!

As every woman deserves an orgasm, the basic right to a decent sex dream should be realized and, more importantly, accessible.

Lets make this a better world people!

Update Update Update

I, like many of you out there, have a facebook profile. This is both a blessing and a curse.

With the marvel of this social network, I've been able to connect with dear friends that have left the country to pursue their dreams, re-connect with long lost childhood friends, and also keep tabs on people I went to high school with (we know we're never going to see each other again, but we can't help but be nosy and poke through the photo's and information over what's going on in their lives.)

The curse here is knowing too much information. I know that this is a petty trivial gripe, but who really needs to be a fan of bonfires, Australia and a Southern Cross tatoo? What I also find hilarious, are that the people who are a fan of bonfires, are also a fan of the group 'The people who started the Black Saturday Fires should rot in hell.'

Sense?

Anyone?

No, I didn't think so.

I don't mind having these people in my life through a technological social medium, in fact think it's important to have some form of contact. We've shared a decent chunk of our lifes together, have some shared memories, and during times of nostalgia, it's important to have that connection. But many people take this in an often undesirable direction (see earlier post Out of the Blue)

One particular instance I'm alluding to here is of an attempted primary school reunion that didn't quite come to fruition. I, like many others out there, don't quite have the best primary shcool memories. I was quite often bullied, teased and taunted, and if I didn't get that treatment at school, then I certainly recieved similar treatment at home. I'm not in anyway suggesting that I begrudge these people; the past is in the past, what has happened has happened, and I believe that we have all moved on from those days and are completely different people. The point that I'm trying to make here is that although these events are merely memories of the past, they are still nonetheless rather painful, so when talk of a primary school reunion arose, you can see why I would have an 'Umm, Ahh' reaction. In the week leading up to this reunion I decided that I would go, however at the last minute, my car battery had died and I was stuck. The organizers insisted I come, but I had no money for a taxi and had no way of getting myself home, and I offered my apologies. Later that night, and well into the next day, a number of "the reunion was great, the people who didn't come suck" statuses flashed up on my screen.

The nerve of some people.

Again, this is a rather petty and trivial gripe, however to air one's grievances in such a way is no better, wouldn't you say? I know that this is rather rich coming from me, but it's quite obvious, from the title of this blog, that you know what you are in for, and that somewhere within the rant and rave someone out there is going to get a spray. I believe that to put up little tid bits of how big/small your ex's member was, or that a group of people "suck" for no apparent reason other than the fact that they could not make it to your drinks, is a completely different kettle of fish.

If I was to stoop to their level, my status would often read: "You've got kids! I KNOW! I see their goddamn pictures all over the internet. I DON'T FUCKING CARE!", "NO I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR SHOW FUCK OFF!", and "No one gives a shit about your fucking engagement, wedding or marriage, get fucked."

But I don't do that do I? Because, well, that would be hurtful.

Children, Children, Future, Future.

I really feel for the kids that are born and raised in the 21st Century. The political and economic climate doesn't exactly inspire confidence, the environment is in tatters, and education comes at such a high price that you begin to question its worth.

Much of what made being a kid fun in my day (tapping into my inner geriatric here) is no longer available to the present day rugrats. In particular, good quality cartoons.

Unless the child is lucky enough to belong to cable T.V suscribing family, their viewing choices are very limited.

As the years have gone by, major free-to-air television stations have come to neglect the needs of their youngest demographic. Although long standing children's hour as seen on ABC Kids are still running strong, the lack of choice is evident.

To be a child of the 90s meant that your parents were never to sleep. You would willingly rise at the crack of dawn to race to the living room, flipping through the television stations not sure of what to settle on. Along with ABC Kids, there was Agro's Cartoon Connection, and Cheeze T.V available for viewing, all with their own unique collection of quality cartoons: Batman, Spiderman, Sailor Moon, Scooby Doo (The Original Avendtures of Scooby Doo mind you), Babar, Tin Tin, Rugrats, X-Men, and oh so many more. It didn't stop there.

You painfully went through the school days only to tear home to choose between the afternoon programs. Warner Bros cartoons, both classic and new! Animaniacs, Looney Toons, Tiny Toons Adventures, as well as Ducktales, Hey Arnold, and ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE, just to name a few.

Let's not forget the game shows that you just dreamed to be a part of. Vidiot, Double Dare, and Amazing.

There were endless possibilities, laughter and most of all fun.

Saturday was your day, Saturday Disney followed by Disney movie marathons.

There was joy, and hope. It's tough being a kid, but at least there was someone in the land of television who could understand you and who knew what you needed. The adults may not listen to you, but at least Bugs Bunny did.

There's no joy like that for kids, no hope. Mornings are filled with Kochie and Mel, Karl and Whatsherface. All the cartoons have been taken away and dispered among the Cartoon Network, Disney Channel and Nickelodeon on Foxtel or Austar, and whatever is left on free to air is just like the salmon that John West has rejected. Retarded Tasteless Junk.

The Gameshows are juvenile, compered by uncharismatic hosts who are quite obviously uncomfortable with children, make it apparent that they don't want to be there, and really don't look the part.



I mean, please, a suit! Because I know when I was 10, and I saw a suit, geeze that spelt a whole lot of fun.

Kids need a forum, and an outlet. Somewhere to turn to where they feel free to be themselves aswell as express themselves. There has been debate upon debate upon debate upon debate over the what hinders our children as opposed to what nurtures them. Everything that is marketed towards them comes under attack, scrutiny and censorship, and whilst I'm sure that this is all done with the best of intentions I think in the present day and age it has all gone a tad too far.

Restrictions placed on toys, televsion, books, computer games and even outside play has left them with basically nothing. And you wonder why kids have attitude?

They deserve a better future, but right now, they also deserve some fun. It's their basic human right.

Morning Pain

If there's one thing that can make your morning worse, it's these fuckwits.



As if fighting to get myself up in the morning, and remembering to put the coffee back in the pantry and not in the fridge isn't hard enough to begin with, I turn on the television to find these two talking to "The GPS Girl". Yes. "The GPS Girl".

Who's the GPS girl I hear you ask? Well, she's apparently the owner of the voice giving you the directions you hear on your GPS unit.



Yeah! Amazing. Apparently, because she's Australian this merits 10 mins of media time.

Really, this is embarrasing. And the rest of the show goes pretty much downhill from there, where they take time out from the morning's news to discuss how they have wonderful lives and relationships and how they could only wish that the rest of Australia could be as blessed as them.

I know it seems like there's no choice but to put up with useless berks and crack addicted cartoons in the morning, but I'm here to tell you there is another way. There is another option. People of Australia, there is hope in morning television yet!



ABC Breakfast. 6-9am on ABC2. If you have a digital set top box, if you have built in digital on your television, than there is hope for you yet.

Switch to actually being INFORMED with USEFUL INFORMATION in the morning. Today, they covered the plight of the assylum seekers who were injured in the boat blast on Australian shores last week, they spoke to a professor (who's name escapes me at this moment) who wrote a counter active theory towards climate change and, as if things couldn't get any better, they provided news, sport and weather without yelling, and without any exaggerated sensationalism.

Oh god bless the ABC.

If you don't recieve digital channels...I shall pray for you.

No.







I'm sorry, no.









Yeah, look, you know what? Still no. Yes, it may seem like a good idea, but lets be real, this is not normal.

Will you honestly feel warm, snuggly and comfortable when you walk into a room filled with this?




No.