Human's Suck

I hate being human.

Particularly when I'm doing work that requires me to be a machine.

I hate trying to work at human speed. I hate human speed. You achieve nothing at human speed.

What have we ever accomplished at human speed?

"Landing on the Moon?"

Shut up. That's not human speed.

I need to be able to multitask at an alarming rate. I need to be able to read at the speed of light and be able to absorb as much information as a Shamwow absorbs water at the same time.

I need to be able to type up essays, as well as marketing drafts. I need to memorize a script whilst writing a new one.

I also need to take a shower.

Dammit. If I was a machine I wouldn't need to shower. I'd just need an occasional oil to prevent rust. Humans and oil don't go well together, which is why we will never rust.

What's worse than working at human speed, is working at human speed with a cold. This means that as a human, I'm now required to "rest" and "take it easy."

Negative. Cannot perform said foreign functions at this time.

If I were a machine I wouldn't get a cold.

"You could get a virus."

Shut up. Viruses on a machine are like STD's on a human. If the machine comes in contact with strange, unknown and unsecured programs, of course its going to catch something unsavoury.

I don't have an STD, I have a cold, and I don't want a cold, which why I want to be a machine because machines don't get colds.

"Shut up. You're getting off topic, and are now ranting and raving to yourself. Didn't you say you had work to do?"

Duly noted.